A Sleepless Stream of Conciousness

      Lately I've been feeling distant from God. For no other reason than I've felt like I wasn't worthy of asking God for stuff and about stuff. A season I think all Christians go through.

      For the past 3 weeks (or so), it's been difficult to see how I could mend this relationship with Him. In those 3 weeks, I forgot one thing that is essential for a strong relationship with God. Loving all, including me.

      I've spent the past 3 weeks treating me and my body like crap. And I couldn't hear God in all of it, so I assumed He wasn't there. But, obviously, He was.

      And recently, I discovered that He was not only here, but actively waiting for me to come back.



      Did your parents or guardians ever tell you to call when you're on your way home from, say, a friend's house or something? And you forget to and you arrive at home and your heart drops when you realize mom and dad have been waiting all this time for you to come back home? And they're slightly disappointed, but mostly relieved you're okay and, at the end of the day, love you even deeper than before?

Yeah.

      That's the crazy thing about God's love. He is always there. And He doesn't get angry with you for being lost or having that distance. He simply leaves the light on for you for when you're on your way back home. Sitting on the front porch, waiting to see those headlights at the end of the street signifying your great return. God doesn't seek revenge or ignores you. He embraces you and welcomes you back. And in that, you find a deeper love for you and Him and the relationship grows deeper.

      That's the really cool thing about God. When they say "unconditional love," they, like, really mean it. And that's pretty cool. That we can have those moments of totally darkness and feeling so lost, only to be followed by the most beautiful clarity. Deepest valleys followed by the highest peaks.

      I feel loved and blessed to know a God like that.

Woo!
Mary Taylor

The Selfish Journey with Christ

      Growing up in Indiana, there are few things worse than selfishness. Sometimes as far as not saying a simple "thank you" after compliments. We don't accept gifts compliments, or pretty much anything positive that happens very well. Or at least in our family (and, like, most of the parents we babysit for). It's a very cool thing about the Midwest, because we're almost automatically polite. But, it can also be problematic because of many obvious reasons (like how annoying it is when people don't say a simple "thank you" after a compliment. But, who's keeping track.... right?).

      Through the time of me being in college, I've started thinking about the ways this Midwest tradition has affected me and other people (mainly women) in my life. Positively and negatively. And all of those way in which we cower when someone compliments, or never put our needs first, or even second, etc. I've tried to kind of blend that world with more of an attitude of "I have to love myself first before I can love anyone else." And I'm learning new things everyday with that.

      However, one aspect that I feel is constantly in flux with that train of thought is my relationship with God.

      I've mentioned countless times how much I am an optimistic person. Some would say almost too optimistic (I don't say that, other, pessimistic humans. There's never too much optimism in my world). But, of course, with everything else, there come waves of doubt or questioning. In those times, it feels like I can't get out of this rut. And I don't see it as a season of questioning. I see it as a weird dark, looming thing. But, it totally isn't. I just don't see it until the season's passed.

      Lately, I've been questioning. Questions like "how can I be the best me, in God's eyes?" "How can I shift anything in the world?" "Are my prayers even worthy prayers?"   Stuff like that.

      Especially getting ready to start this transition from school-to-real-life. I hear a lot about the impending doom, or how I should or should not worry.

      In fact, I feel like, no matter where we are in life, we all hear about that. The "impending doom" of whatever task you're about to complete, or start, or think about. Whether from yourself or others around you. You hear about it. It's an inevitable fact of human life: we have opinions about what each other is doing. Wanted or not.

      Anyway, I hear a lot about the real world struggles, plus crazy stuff happening in the world. And I've just been thinking, like-- what am I even doing? You know?

 Which is pretty dark for an optimistic.

      To be clear, I'm not, like "ugh, what am I even doing on this earth! I'm awful."

I've just been in a season of questioning and reflection.

      A writer who normally has tons of stuff and love to talk about is speechless. And I don't know what to attribute it to. Could it be my lack of silence in the world? My lack of selfishness? My lack of selflessness?

      I'm not sure.

      But from silence comes abundance. So, I have no clue what this season of relfection and Lent will bring me. But I can already tell: it's a Lent that is vastly different than any other I've experienced.

      I could just be putting necessary stuff on it, but that way I'm ready (well.... like, expecting. Well... I don't know.. a less-strong synonym) for whatever happens. But, I think I need to start taking my journey with God and know that it is my journey. My own.

      I'll figure it out. Or maybe not. We'll see.

"It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord."

--Lamentation 3:26

 

Woo!

Mary Taylor

Free Write on God

      And, without further ado, a free write about God.

      Lately, I've been kind of in a curious state with God.

      I've been curious lately why we as individuals matter. I mean, especially me: a privileged white girl. How can I possibly change the world or even be a blip on God's radar.

      Then my friend Kelsey (I call her Bo) was talking to me about some serious issues with people in the entertainment industry. How socially unjust it can all really be. It got to the point where she couldn't really discuss much of anything to do with film or TV, otherwise she would just combust with sadness and anger toward the industry. #OscarssoWhite


      Then it hit me.

      This is why God needs us.

      think of the thing that just really sets you off in a rage. It could be people not thinking women are funny (lolz), it could be the way some people treat servers, it could even be those silly street-side preachers vowing that everyone who passes is going to Hell.

      Now, think about what you've done, or what you could do to change that. And, like, if all of us did that. I mean, the change in the world would be amazing.


      But also, maybe God put us here and cares so much for us because for all of the bad in the world, the moments (big or small) of good or great or amazing, totally surpass the bad. And the good only continues to grow.

      What if we deserve the happiness and thrill that comes to us? And what if every time we felt happy, we were supposed to go make someone else happy. I mean, talk about a happy world.


I don't know. I'm a little rusty. I'll get back in the swing of it.


This has been a Free Write on God.


Woo!
Mary Taylor

Real World Chicago

      Last semester, I was blessed enough to be in a awesome showcase with fellow classmates in Chicago. Aptly called Chicago Showcase.

      Pretty much, we perform for talent agencies and theaters in Chicago all in one evening, in which they come to see us perform. From that, the agents and directors etc. decide if there are any of the group they want to take to audition for them.

      So! Knowing that, I personally was expecting nothing. I mean, I don't fit the commercial standards and all that jazz (blah blah blah, whatever. No one cares, yet everyone remembers. Got it).

But man, was I wrong.

      From the showcase, I got one call. From one group.


I didn't know how legit they were, so I emailed some directors I know in Chi-town, including the director of the showcase. And, good news! They were legit. In fact, the directors went on to say they're the best anyone could ask for in The Windy City.

      Consider me floored.

      So, I set up an audition. (and I got to miss, like, 3 days of school. #score)

      My family, being the best out there, decide that this huge, adult, Real World Audition was not to be taken lightly. So, all four of us, crammed in a car, at 4 in the morning, traveled to Chicago. Because my family is the most supportive people I know. But more about that later.

      In the audition, the man who invited me to audition said "this business is crazy. A constant crazy ride with multiple twists and turns."

      The more he spoke, the more it reminded me of the current pastor at Darlington United Methodist Church. In his first sermon for us, he discussed how he knows he's not Bryan and Maureen (the power couple that transferred churches because Methodist Church rules and stuff). They were super loved through the church and we hated seeing them go. So, we were anxious about this new guy. But it was something he said in his first sermon that made me think "aight, aight. He cool."

(something like) "if you really want to experience God, just put your hands up and know that it is pretty much out of your control and into His. Leading with total trust."


I don't know about you guys, but I love planning stuff out. Well, sort of. Not really the short term stuff, but, like, long term. It's a weird thing.

      ANYWAY!

      I've had a plan for my next two years for a while. And it totally got very shocked and, you know, like, not happening at all. In an exciting and scary and exciting way.

      So, I have learned that I have to keep those hands up and enjoy this ride. Because if there is one thing I know about God, his sense of humor is on point. He's constantly laughing at/with us and our "plan" we have for ourselves.

Meanwhile, He, just, like, explodes the plan and extends it to something WAY different, but so worth it.

Let's go!


Woo!
Mary Taylor

You Get a Path! And YOU Get a Path (etc.)!

      Honestly, I don't see myself as controlling.


I just don't get how people don't see the world like me!




      Kidding.

      But we all know that feeling, right?


      Right now is PERFECT example. This political season where everyone has an opinion, even if their opinion is to stay out of it.

      For me, at least, my angst for people not seeing it my way comes out most when I'm with loved ones (and politics, obviously). I see such a great expanse of potential for them, yet they don't follow my plan. What's that about, am I right!?

      Like that episode of New Girl on Fox, when Schmidt's plan for Nick isn't going according to Schmidt's plan for Nick (Mary, what are you talking about? Watch it here!).

      I find myself thinking (more often than I'd like to admit) "why isn't he seeing that this is clearly the next best step for him?" or "why won't she do that? It's so, so, SO clearly the best option!" *insert any variation of that line of thought here*

      Some cases may even be more extreme. Like cases of addiction or self-loathing. Which is the hardest to witness, by far.

       If you're anything like me, you've mentioned, way more than once, the clear best step(s) for them to take next. However, they just don't seem to do it the way you wanted them to. So, you tell them again. And again. And again. Until the whole thing is just a mess of angry remarks neither party meant at the time, necessarily, but man did that feel good to get off your chest.

      What I've learned, some from experience, and some form countless times I've asked advice on this topic, is that we're all on a journey. Whether the loved one seems miles behind where he or she should or could be, their journey is important for them to take. Through time, they will figure out the path that works best for them.

      It's really hard. But through helping them along when the need or ask for it, and being a loving hand to hold, that's what I've learned is the best way to help. Not paving the path for them. Because, just as you and I will see a movie and feel differently about it, that person will see that path differently than you do a lot of the time.

So, I'm learning to keep love in it, and be that helping, loving hand when that person needs it. And always there, even if they don't need it.


Like an overbearing mother.

KIDDING!

Open and available. Those are the terms we use in acting class. Keeping ourselves open and available for whenever that person might need help or ask for help.

Proverbs 3:5-6

 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths."

 

     Here's to being open, available, and loving. Even when you see the clear path and the other is still in the middle of the Deep Forest.  

Woo!

 Mary Taylor  

I Need Lent

      For the past couple of years, I've been keeping this blog. In 2014, I was great at my Lenten Promise to keep this blog going every day. Last year, I wasn't all that great at it. And here we are.
      Lately, I've been clouded with a routine of school, and I got caught up in it, that I forgot God.

Which is, like, weird.

      And recently, I've really felt it. So, Lent came in the exact right time for me. And for the world, obviously, because we're all in this together (insert High School Musical song here).

      A couple of days ago, I was beating myself up over the cloudiness I'd let creep into my life. I was going on about "how could I let this happen? How could I have just let life happen and not pray as much, meditate as much, live as much."

Then I remembered a day in PIP class (a PE class for actors at school. I was a TA. It was a lot at 8 AM). The professor was discussing the traits of a healthy lifestyle. He gave an example of when healthy living stops.

(something like) "You eat a chocolate. Then you feel bad because it's unhealthy. Then you skip a day at the gym. And then you feel bad for not going and start thinking 'I'm worthless,' then that 1 day turns into 2, then 3, and before you know it, your healthy lifestyle stopped." All because you wouldn't let that one day go and be what it is. Instead of changing it, you turned it into a habit of just feeling bad for yourself.

      Which is what I turned my relationship with God into.

However, though unhealthy and less-than-satisfying, those moments in my life have always lead to a deeper, more keen relationship with Him. As if the Lenten season is not already one in which I feel and grow closer to God, I feel this one will be even more so. For He has always brought me up from the deepest valleys, only to bring me to the highest peak I've seen yet.




      So, let's do this Lenten season right and true.

Woo!
Mary Taylor

(Find photo here) Pressing on

New Video!