A Sleepless Stream of Conciousness

      Lately I've been feeling distant from God. For no other reason than I've felt like I wasn't worthy of asking God for stuff and about stuff. A season I think all Christians go through.

      For the past 3 weeks (or so), it's been difficult to see how I could mend this relationship with Him. In those 3 weeks, I forgot one thing that is essential for a strong relationship with God. Loving all, including me.

      I've spent the past 3 weeks treating me and my body like crap. And I couldn't hear God in all of it, so I assumed He wasn't there. But, obviously, He was.

      And recently, I discovered that He was not only here, but actively waiting for me to come back.



      Did your parents or guardians ever tell you to call when you're on your way home from, say, a friend's house or something? And you forget to and you arrive at home and your heart drops when you realize mom and dad have been waiting all this time for you to come back home? And they're slightly disappointed, but mostly relieved you're okay and, at the end of the day, love you even deeper than before?

Yeah.

      That's the crazy thing about God's love. He is always there. And He doesn't get angry with you for being lost or having that distance. He simply leaves the light on for you for when you're on your way back home. Sitting on the front porch, waiting to see those headlights at the end of the street signifying your great return. God doesn't seek revenge or ignores you. He embraces you and welcomes you back. And in that, you find a deeper love for you and Him and the relationship grows deeper.

      That's the really cool thing about God. When they say "unconditional love," they, like, really mean it. And that's pretty cool. That we can have those moments of totally darkness and feeling so lost, only to be followed by the most beautiful clarity. Deepest valleys followed by the highest peaks.

      I feel loved and blessed to know a God like that.

Woo!
Mary Taylor

The Selfish Journey with Christ

      Growing up in Indiana, there are few things worse than selfishness. Sometimes as far as not saying a simple "thank you" after compliments. We don't accept gifts compliments, or pretty much anything positive that happens very well. Or at least in our family (and, like, most of the parents we babysit for). It's a very cool thing about the Midwest, because we're almost automatically polite. But, it can also be problematic because of many obvious reasons (like how annoying it is when people don't say a simple "thank you" after a compliment. But, who's keeping track.... right?).

      Through the time of me being in college, I've started thinking about the ways this Midwest tradition has affected me and other people (mainly women) in my life. Positively and negatively. And all of those way in which we cower when someone compliments, or never put our needs first, or even second, etc. I've tried to kind of blend that world with more of an attitude of "I have to love myself first before I can love anyone else." And I'm learning new things everyday with that.

      However, one aspect that I feel is constantly in flux with that train of thought is my relationship with God.

      I've mentioned countless times how much I am an optimistic person. Some would say almost too optimistic (I don't say that, other, pessimistic humans. There's never too much optimism in my world). But, of course, with everything else, there come waves of doubt or questioning. In those times, it feels like I can't get out of this rut. And I don't see it as a season of questioning. I see it as a weird dark, looming thing. But, it totally isn't. I just don't see it until the season's passed.

      Lately, I've been questioning. Questions like "how can I be the best me, in God's eyes?" "How can I shift anything in the world?" "Are my prayers even worthy prayers?"   Stuff like that.

      Especially getting ready to start this transition from school-to-real-life. I hear a lot about the impending doom, or how I should or should not worry.

      In fact, I feel like, no matter where we are in life, we all hear about that. The "impending doom" of whatever task you're about to complete, or start, or think about. Whether from yourself or others around you. You hear about it. It's an inevitable fact of human life: we have opinions about what each other is doing. Wanted or not.

      Anyway, I hear a lot about the real world struggles, plus crazy stuff happening in the world. And I've just been thinking, like-- what am I even doing? You know?

 Which is pretty dark for an optimistic.

      To be clear, I'm not, like "ugh, what am I even doing on this earth! I'm awful."

I've just been in a season of questioning and reflection.

      A writer who normally has tons of stuff and love to talk about is speechless. And I don't know what to attribute it to. Could it be my lack of silence in the world? My lack of selfishness? My lack of selflessness?

      I'm not sure.

      But from silence comes abundance. So, I have no clue what this season of relfection and Lent will bring me. But I can already tell: it's a Lent that is vastly different than any other I've experienced.

      I could just be putting necessary stuff on it, but that way I'm ready (well.... like, expecting. Well... I don't know.. a less-strong synonym) for whatever happens. But, I think I need to start taking my journey with God and know that it is my journey. My own.

      I'll figure it out. Or maybe not. We'll see.

"It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord."

--Lamentation 3:26

 

Woo!

Mary Taylor

Free Write on God

      And, without further ado, a free write about God.

      Lately, I've been kind of in a curious state with God.

      I've been curious lately why we as individuals matter. I mean, especially me: a privileged white girl. How can I possibly change the world or even be a blip on God's radar.

      Then my friend Kelsey (I call her Bo) was talking to me about some serious issues with people in the entertainment industry. How socially unjust it can all really be. It got to the point where she couldn't really discuss much of anything to do with film or TV, otherwise she would just combust with sadness and anger toward the industry. #OscarssoWhite


      Then it hit me.

      This is why God needs us.

      think of the thing that just really sets you off in a rage. It could be people not thinking women are funny (lolz), it could be the way some people treat servers, it could even be those silly street-side preachers vowing that everyone who passes is going to Hell.

      Now, think about what you've done, or what you could do to change that. And, like, if all of us did that. I mean, the change in the world would be amazing.


      But also, maybe God put us here and cares so much for us because for all of the bad in the world, the moments (big or small) of good or great or amazing, totally surpass the bad. And the good only continues to grow.

      What if we deserve the happiness and thrill that comes to us? And what if every time we felt happy, we were supposed to go make someone else happy. I mean, talk about a happy world.


I don't know. I'm a little rusty. I'll get back in the swing of it.


This has been a Free Write on God.


Woo!
Mary Taylor

You Get a Path! And YOU Get a Path (etc.)!

      Honestly, I don't see myself as controlling.


I just don't get how people don't see the world like me!




      Kidding.

      But we all know that feeling, right?


      Right now is PERFECT example. This political season where everyone has an opinion, even if their opinion is to stay out of it.

      For me, at least, my angst for people not seeing it my way comes out most when I'm with loved ones (and politics, obviously). I see such a great expanse of potential for them, yet they don't follow my plan. What's that about, am I right!?

      Like that episode of New Girl on Fox, when Schmidt's plan for Nick isn't going according to Schmidt's plan for Nick (Mary, what are you talking about? Watch it here!).

      I find myself thinking (more often than I'd like to admit) "why isn't he seeing that this is clearly the next best step for him?" or "why won't she do that? It's so, so, SO clearly the best option!" *insert any variation of that line of thought here*

      Some cases may even be more extreme. Like cases of addiction or self-loathing. Which is the hardest to witness, by far.

       If you're anything like me, you've mentioned, way more than once, the clear best step(s) for them to take next. However, they just don't seem to do it the way you wanted them to. So, you tell them again. And again. And again. Until the whole thing is just a mess of angry remarks neither party meant at the time, necessarily, but man did that feel good to get off your chest.

      What I've learned, some from experience, and some form countless times I've asked advice on this topic, is that we're all on a journey. Whether the loved one seems miles behind where he or she should or could be, their journey is important for them to take. Through time, they will figure out the path that works best for them.

      It's really hard. But through helping them along when the need or ask for it, and being a loving hand to hold, that's what I've learned is the best way to help. Not paving the path for them. Because, just as you and I will see a movie and feel differently about it, that person will see that path differently than you do a lot of the time.

So, I'm learning to keep love in it, and be that helping, loving hand when that person needs it. And always there, even if they don't need it.


Like an overbearing mother.

KIDDING!

Open and available. Those are the terms we use in acting class. Keeping ourselves open and available for whenever that person might need help or ask for help.

Proverbs 3:5-6

 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths."

 

     Here's to being open, available, and loving. Even when you see the clear path and the other is still in the middle of the Deep Forest.  

Woo!

 Mary Taylor  

I Need Lent

      For the past couple of years, I've been keeping this blog. In 2014, I was great at my Lenten Promise to keep this blog going every day. Last year, I wasn't all that great at it. And here we are.
      Lately, I've been clouded with a routine of school, and I got caught up in it, that I forgot God.

Which is, like, weird.

      And recently, I've really felt it. So, Lent came in the exact right time for me. And for the world, obviously, because we're all in this together (insert High School Musical song here).

      A couple of days ago, I was beating myself up over the cloudiness I'd let creep into my life. I was going on about "how could I let this happen? How could I have just let life happen and not pray as much, meditate as much, live as much."

Then I remembered a day in PIP class (a PE class for actors at school. I was a TA. It was a lot at 8 AM). The professor was discussing the traits of a healthy lifestyle. He gave an example of when healthy living stops.

(something like) "You eat a chocolate. Then you feel bad because it's unhealthy. Then you skip a day at the gym. And then you feel bad for not going and start thinking 'I'm worthless,' then that 1 day turns into 2, then 3, and before you know it, your healthy lifestyle stopped." All because you wouldn't let that one day go and be what it is. Instead of changing it, you turned it into a habit of just feeling bad for yourself.

      Which is what I turned my relationship with God into.

However, though unhealthy and less-than-satisfying, those moments in my life have always lead to a deeper, more keen relationship with Him. As if the Lenten season is not already one in which I feel and grow closer to God, I feel this one will be even more so. For He has always brought me up from the deepest valleys, only to bring me to the highest peak I've seen yet.




      So, let's do this Lenten season right and true.

Woo!
Mary Taylor

(Find photo here) Pressing on

Hope: Part 1

      I wanted to do a daily Advent blog this year. I'm starting a little late, but, hey, it's Hump Day! The week is still young! As is Advent. Bam!

      So, I'm gonna kill (or injure slightly so that they are able to be healed quickly, with love and care) 2 birds with one stone. I'm going to cover December 1st's reading and today's (December 2nd). The reading list I'm following is something I found on Pinterest. So, go Pinterest!

December 1, 2015: Jeremiah 33:14-15
     

¹⁴ “‘The days are coming,’ declares the Lord, ‘when I will fulfill the good promise I made to the people of Israel and Judah.

¹⁵ “‘In those days and at that time
    I will make a righteous Branch sprout from David’s line;
    he will do what is just and right in the land.'"

(Link to quote here)

       

       This is it! The time we've all been waiting for! A time of forced family gatherings, busier-than-ever stores, and stupid traffic. 
    
      No, I'm kidding. It's the holiday season! Though, for some of us, there's no difference between the first and the second option. 

      A lot of folks like to say how the world is only getting worse and worse. How they can't possibly see it getting any worse, and then it does. The world is awful. Ugh, world! I hate world!
      These people, most of the time, believe it or not, are Christians. 

"But how can that be? Christians are supposed to be fun-loving, loving loving, awesome, cool, chill humans." I know. Well, some of us have to stick with slow dial up, so we've nto received the memo yet. 

      These Christians, from what I've experienced, sit around waiting for the second coming of Christ (Mary, this is breaking into more of the Easter season than Advent). 

      But, don't you feel like we're missing something? We have an opportunity to prepare the way for Him. Not by sitting around yelling "TOLD YOU SO!" But to actually reach out, be the best us we can be, and spread the love and joy of Christ. Especially in this time of year. 

      All those times in which people say "the world is doomed," that's when we can rise up even more than ever, come together, and step in a gracious, more giving way for the world. To help our brothers and sisters out. To throw aside differences and come together to wait (hem hem, prepare) for the most exciting, anticipated time of the year. 

      Fear not. Have trust. He is coming to save all. All. The babe with the MOST potential ever to have graced man. He's on his way. Relax. Help each other out. You've got plenty of limbs to reach out to your fellow humans. Let's raise each other up, so we can all prepare together. In love.

This Holiday ad from 2014 really hits home for me and reminds me of this message:

Happy First Week of Advent! 

Key word for the week: Hope. 


Woo!
Mary Taylor

 

A Lull

      I'm feeling a lull. When I shouldn't feel a lull.

      A lull in life. Like I'm just kind of wondering through, without much of anything. No presence, no feeling, no nothin'. 

      Normally when this happens, I'm in a complex. A beautiful complex that should totally be embraced. a complex of too busy, and in denial of my busy-ness, resulting in me procrastinating on everything. Which means watching too many YouTube videos. 

      When I get in a lull, it takes me a minute to do something about it. 

      When I FINALLY get off my butt and do something about it, I re-envision how I'm living my life. Am I meditating? Am I praying? Am I working out? How? Am I eating well. Generally, once it's gotten to "lull" level, all answers are no. And, it just so happens, they're a "no" now, too. 

      So, on this Hump Day, I am re-evaluating my life. Seeking out the beauty in life, seeking out God in my life, and meditating on how absolutely blessed I am. 

      Having a bad day or week is normal and totally fine. Sometimes that prolongs into a funk, which is also a ride that needs to be lived through. But sometimes it's simply a lull and my forgetting to simply love my surrounding wholly. 

      Here's to those lulls. And here's to bye bye to those lulls.  

Get it? Like lullabies.

      Woo,

      Mary Taylor

Caitlyn Jenner and God's Plan

      As a Liberal, politically speaking, I am in LOVE with Caitlyn Jenner. And Lovern Cox (obviously), and anyone who has discovered something totally new about themselves and take the initiative to really be who they are. Totally.

      Others don't see it like that.

      "God made you one way, and that's how He wants you to live!"

      And, I hate hate hate to admit it. But, my religious side couldn't argue with that. So, what? I'm just supposed to be living this double life where I totally agree with it, but when religion comes into the picture I go "well, I guess you're right. Let me hate with you and stuff with you."

      I was conflicted. For, social-politically speaking, once in my life. Gay rights and equality: I had the perfect religious answer. Women's rights: got my Jesus on my side! Racial Tensions: I'm all over it. But Transgender. How do I say "no, God totally wanted to change them. He made the mistake in making them that way, so He says 'oops, sorry. You change it. I'm busy." What kind of God is that?

      There are a lot of pessimists out there. You know who I'm talking about. The type of people in which everything is falling apart all the time. Like Sadness in Inside Out (if you're scratching your head wondering who I'm talking about, stop reading right now and go see that film!). You just want to take their shoulders and yell "GO FIND SOME HAPPINESS!!!!! Life is FREAKING AWESOME!" When lived fully and authentically, life is amazing. There are amazing mountains, and some treacherous, horrid valleys, but the journey is amazing. When you're wholly yourself.

      I have little cousins. Freshman in high school and 8th grader. In other words: teenagers. Girl Teenagers. The kind that can change by a drop of a hat. The kind that can fluctuate just about as much as my diet. It all depends on who's around. I mean, yes we all act a little differently around different company. But I'm talking one day, they're all cardigans and flats, and the next it's all black, safety pins everywhere, hair color change, head-to-toe different. All depending on who it is that they hang out with. When one wants to dance and have fun, the others say "that's not cool," and stifles the ones who want to go out and have FUN. I see it all the time with the cousins. She feels stifled and pressured not to go out and have fun because it would be making a fool of herself and how can she possibly face Lance, the cute football player at school, if he found out she DANCED? At a dance! Oh, the horror of it all. It's simply too much.

      But eventually you start to understand that you can be you and the people that don't embrace that will filter out and others who LOVE it will drop into your life. But it's about letting that happen. Or, in some cases, making that happen.

      Filling your life with what brings you love and joy. But it is impossible to do that while you have to stifle who you are in order to stick to the status quo (insert the High School Musical rock ballad).

     Then it hit me.

      Does God really want us to suffer through stifling ourselves just to keep up appearances? Did God create Bruce and, once he started feeling weird like "I don't think this is right," God just went "it is right because I'm right and that is EXACTLY how I want you to stay forever!" I don't think so.

      Does God look at me and say "oh, no, no need to expand your mind. You're right where you need to be for the rest of your life because I created you and I am right and that is EXACTLY how I want you to stay forever!"If He did, I never listened. I am still constantly learning and discovering. Discovering life and ways to live my full life and ways to do it with God. Finding my true me and living through it.

      So, how is that different?

      God is perfect and makes no mistakes. None. Like, at all.     Ever.

We do. He doesn't.

      So, picture this: God creating that chapter in Bruce's journey. God actually guiding Bruce through his 60-something years to that huge chapter in his life to create Caitlyn.

      I have a feeling that those who have transitioned or are transitioning are right with God. Not only because God is all-loving and all-forgiving, but because they actually aren't doing anything wrong. They are simply taking the step in their lives that is necessary to live their full lives. Fully and freely living their lives. And in that, better understanding. Better loving. Better living.

      Caitlyn Jenner might not fit into what everyone considers to be right. But your right and God's right are different. And seeing how positive this transition is, motivationally, I can't imagine this much greatness is without God and His Love. Which is the most powerful thing. Ever. Ever ever. Ever.

Love always,
Mary Taylor

I Never Thought of it That Way

      It's Holy Week! A week full of reflection, anticipation, immense sorrow, and profound joy and hope. All in a matter of 7 days! How can so much fit into a single week!

      The other day, I was listening to my Daily Audio Bible app, and I heard a story out of Mark that was so intriguing to me.

"25 A woman whose daughter had an evil spirit in her heard where Jesus was. And right away she came and knelt down at his feet. 26 The woman was Greek and had been born in the part of Syria known as Phoenicia. She begged Jesus to force the demon out of her daughter. 27 But Jesus said, “The children must first be fed! It isn’t right to take away their food and feed it to dogs.”[a]

28 The woman replied, “Lord, even dogs eat the crumbs that children drop from the table.”

29 Jesus answered, “That’s true! You may go now. The demon has left your daughter.” 30 When the woman got back home, she found her child lying on the bed. The demon had gone."  --Mark 7:25-30

      I love this translation because it adds the "that's true" part. 

     My mom babysits. So, whenever I'm home, I am surrounded by children. Most of the time, I just laugh at what they say because they're so cute and say the cutest things. However, every once in a while, a kid will say something that stops me dead in my tracks. Or do something that is so profoundly awesome. 

      Many teachers have similar moments. Even my brother, who student taught some classes, has moments that made him realize why he was there doing what he was doing. 

      This woman was not afraid to speak to Jesus and ask for help, at all costs. Even if that means, after already telling her that she must wait, telling Him that she needs the goodness He brings. 

      It's that moment in which He is sure in His ways, and not wrong. However, still has His mind open more when she retorts back. 

      What's so amazing about this is that we are constantly being proven that Jesus was God, yes. But also human. And that no one is above a statement that shifts the way of thinking. Everyone is susceptible to an idea that totally changes how to look at an issue. It's what we do in that moment that makes the difference. 

      Jesus was willing and able to shift His plans and His thoughts to accommodate this smart woman. Are we able to do the same when what we believe is challenged?  Sure, not every challenge to our beliefs means a total change in what we believe. But a challenge may bring up new questions to answer. Or a new way to look at something. 

      So, are we able to take those and morph them into something that helps us and helps others? Are we able to take those who retort back (and are probably right) and shift? It's tough. But I think it might actually be possible. 

Woo!

Mary Taylor

         

Another SB 101 Post...

      Romans 2:11: For God shows no partiality.

       I cannot stop thinking of the Religious Freedom bill signed by Mike Pence here in Indiana today. I've restarted this blog post trying to use words to describe what I'm feeling in this philosophical, theological way, but the words were not there.

      A friend texted my today in a rage over the bill. Frustrated and confused about the next step, this person said "I will pray for Indiana today because it all goes downhill from here."

      For a moment, I agreed. How can this be justice in a free world? Why is this happening? How can this happen in 2015?

      Then I remembered the outcome of the slaves in Egypt. The slaves here in America. The multitude of signs reading "Whites Only," or "No Irish Need Apply."

      We have fought this battle time and time again. And we have always ended up on top, receiving what we know as full equality at that time. Does it come easy? No. However, fighting with peace and love will always prevail.

      All of these actions against a certain sect of humans never have God in mind, though. Never. Not truly. The leaders of them might think it is for the best, however, you cannot read any of The Bible without stumbling across yet another passage about acting with love and how we are all equal. Especially in The New Testament when Jesus treats all people like people.

      I do not believe God made this bill happen. I believe this is wholly an act of free will, not hearing God's voice in the deliberation of this bill.

      I cannot say I am totally innocent of not hearing God's voice and it affecting others around me negatively. So, I am not sure I can pass judgement on Mike Pence. What I can do, however, is pray. Pray for Indiana. Pray for businesses. Pray for the businesses that act on this bill. Pray for businesses struggling for lack of tourism. Pray for the leaders of this state. Pray for Mike Pence. And pray for the inevitable fight and backlash that is to come now until this is reversed.

      We are all equal in every single way. When all will realize that is beyond me. But there will come a day when that happens. I have full and total faith. Equality will be won and love will be restored.

Mary Taylor

My Indiana Home

      Normally, I hear all sorts of stuff from my peers about how much Indiana is awful. Generally speaking, I've come to find Indiana beautiful in many ways, though. I mean, the scenery is gorgeous, the people are great, and my hometown is awesome! And we have some pretty awesome things! Like Connor Prairie, Indiana State Museum, all sorts of cool things. I guess it's the constant angst against Indiana and its people I have a problem with. In a lot of ways, it's people not taking into consideration other peoples' love for their surroundings. Lately, though, it's been really hard to like Indiana.

      Yesterday, a bill passed in Indiana that allows business owners to deny service to anyone who they deem "against their religion."

      If you remember from the history lessons from 5th grade, that is bad. Why? Because it discriminates. Period.

      (To read more about the bill, read here)

      There are so many things wrong with this. Like, countless. But, what really hurts my heart is that this bill was conceived, agreed upon, and signed by Christians. By people who are my brothers and sisters of Christ.

      Maya Angelou said this amazing thing about humanity.

                  She says "I am a human being. Nothing human can be alien to me."

      Anything any other human being does is not foreign to me. I am capable of that act. No matter how awful. I have it in me to do that thing.

      However, reversely, any one act that is so grand and huge and awesome that another person does, I am capable of.

      Every time we are hit with this issue of hate in the name of religion, or of fear, or of simple ignorance, has been fought and won.

      The slaves being freed from Pharaoh in the Old Testament. Jesus saving the sick and the lame. Discrimination against any followers of Christ. The heinous act of attempting to kill off a whole race and religion of humans. Treating humans like property. Separating colors with separate but "equal" treatment. Not allowing humans to fully express who they are. Stopping people from voting because they are darker than white. The list goes on.

      But of every villain, we have a hero.

      Moses. Jesus. Churchill.  Tubman. Martin Luther King Jr. From political leaders to the religious. From artists to business people. There are always heroes to the villain. And the way history has gone so far is that we fight. We fight we fight we fight. We do not quit. Until we win. Until equality is realized and love is restored.

      I am not proud of the choices made by the leaders of this great state. In fact, I am embarrassed and ashamed. However, I am not giving up on my home. I will fight with the best of them. I will make my voice heard.

"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." --Isaiah 41:10 

Love as He loved.

If you, also, want your voice heard and want to speak up against this bill, no matter where you're from, email Mike Pence here.

If you want your actual physical voice heard, call him to urge him to veto here.


Woo!
Mary Taylor

Winners Never Quit

      There are some phrases we all know that I absolutely despise.

      Examples: "Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach." Hate it! First, teachers DO know how, that's why they teach. Also, that's a whole group of amazing human beings who spend their whole career caring for not themselves at all! I just hate that phrase.

      Another: "Winners never quit, Quitters never win."

      Until recently, I absolutely believed that and loved that phrase. I mean, not-quitting builds character! You have to teach your child to give something a try before quitting. Like baseball, or dance, or that community theater play. So, yes, to a point, that phrase is super useful.

      Over-committing myself is a thing I do a lot. I never think I do, because I see all of my friends do, like, a bajillion things at once and I'm like "wow, what am I even doing with my life?" Not to mention that I'm kind of bad at saying "no" when someone needs something. A lot of situations, I work best when I'm going-going-going. However, when is it too much? And how do I fix it without being a quitter?

      Recently, I dealt with this issue that was simply proving too much for me to handle. I didn't know how to deal with the situation, though. I didn't want to quit one of the things I'd started because then I'd be a quitter, and they never win. Plus, "if God brings me to it, He'll bring me through it," right? So, clearly, I just have to see this thing through. Even though I hate my time doing it. And I'm not invested. And I'm not enjoying myself. I just gotta see it through?

      Well, after homework assignment on top of homework assignment piled up, group work became intense, my job became demanding, and this extra thing I was doing was continuing to go quickly, my life seemed to crumble a little. I couldn't deal with the pressure of everything.

      But it's only two more weeks. God doesn't want quitters. I can do this. He'll bring me through it.

      But also, what if I just quit the other thing? That extra thing that was taking up a lot of my time and I wasn't really super invested in anyway?

      No, no, of course not. That would be unfair. Plus, God doesn't want quitters. He will see me through.

      So, I prayed.

      After two (what seemed like) mental breakdowns, it was clear what needed to happen.

      I met with the friend in charge of the extra thing I was involved in to tell him that I needed to quit for my sanity's sake. Having played his reaction in my head countless times leading up to this moment, he shocked me when he was actually totally and completely calm in saying "I understand. You do you." After a hug from the friend, a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders.

      God saw me through it.

      There are times when quitters never win. However, winners sometimes just have to quit for their sake. We have this baggage on the word "quit" that makes it sound dirty and awful. But, really, in many ways, it can be freeing and great.

      And sometimes God doesn't agree with those weird phrases we give ourselves. Sometimes God "seeing us through it," is different than seeing us through to the absolute end of it. I mean to say that God will always see YOU through YOUR end of it, but it's not always the same as someone else' end to it. And that's what's great about us and God. We are on different paths, and God knows that. He knows our path and our way because He has seen our journey. He's guided the way the entire time.

 Isn't that glorious!

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." --Matthew 11:28

Woo!
Mary Taylor

Awkward Family Photos

      A few years ago, I asked one of my pastors and mentors how to read the Bible. Like why does it say not to wear two different fabrics and different stuff like that. She referenced something like this to help me better understand how to take the Bible. It pretty much says (and you should click the link to read the whole post, because it's awesome! I'll give you another link to it here) that The Bible is looked at as this rule book or this supernatural being-of-a-book, etc. But really, what it is is more like your "great grandmother's family scrapbook."

      When my pastor first said that, I was confused. I mean, normally scrapbooks don't have rules and regulations and probably doesn't have near as much blood and gore...

      Today, I was listening to The Daily Audio Bible app. I'm a little behind (February 18th.... a lot behind), but he read a passage out of Leviticus. One of the passages with just lists and lists of rules. Then it hit me.

      Jesus died for our sins. So that we don't have to buy all of those sacrifices and waste tons of money and so that we can be cleaned and forgiven. So, why do we still have tons of lists of rules?

      How it hit me today: we have those lists and all of that info surrounding the Gospels to give us information on what exactly it means to really, truly, be forgiven. So we can look at what it took to be forgiven, flip it on its head (with Christ), and understand that we are forgiven now. To see the world Jesus lived in, and know the world He died in. To see the milestones we as a Christian people have taken to get to where we are today.

      It's pretty cool when you think about it.

      But, trust me, you're gonna wanna take a look at this link because it explains it SO awesomely!

      So, we're forgiven. Yeah. But do you know what it took for us to get here? It'll blow your mind.

Woo!

Mary Taylor

Fixer Upper

      Last night, I was giving my brother some advice. We were talking and after the conversation, I gave a very satisfied nod, then went to bed. It wasn't until I was lying in bed, reviewing the day's events, that I had realized.      Oh my goodness. I just told my brother how to live his life.    Wait, what!? No. That's what my mom does. That's what my dad does. That is NOT what I do!

      But I did. In the tone that, to me sounded helpful and inviting, I had told my OLDER brother how to live his life. Without malice, I told my brother what to change about him.

      I panicked. I emailed a mentor of mine immediately. She said something enlightening, yet simple because I had heard it before.

      So, I'm going to share. Because, through my huge mistake, I take away greater understanding.

      We're all on a journey. All of us. We're all in different parts in our life and all are seeking different things in life. Some people are okay where they are right now and are just living life. Some people are looking for the next step. Some people are trying to get used to the new step they just took. And that's only covering PART of it. Not to mention some people are working on being more happy. Some are working on being more responsible. Some are working on giving up a vice. I mean, we're all working on ourselves constantly! Which is great and wonderful because we never actually stop growing.

      So! When people ask advice, it's best to actually share my experience with the thing their bringing up, and see what they take from it. The whole telling them what to do thing, apparently, doesn't actually work. I know because when people tell me how to live my life, I get kind of angry and ignore the. So, why would I expect my brother to act differently (though he did take it very well)?

      She also pointed out that a lot of the time, the advice we give is actually what we are highlighting for ourselves to work on. Like where our heart is in most. Like finding happiness. Loving self. Better eating habits. The list goes on. And I cringe with each mention of something because I realize the amount of "advice" I've given to so many people.

      Face-palm.

      But it's good! Because now I understand.


      Now I just have to, like realize when I'm doing it and stop. And, instead of giving advice, I share my experience instead of working on fixing the person.

      Gotta take the log out of my eye before I can take the speck of sawdust out of the other guy's eye, right?

Woo!
Mary Taylor

(Insert Jeopardy's Waiting Theme Here)

      Waiting to hear God's is valid and needs to happen. A lot. But just waiting around will get you nowhere.

      Here's why.

      First, He's here already.

      As I've mentioned in previous posts, I listen to the Daily Audio Bible app. At the end of most everyday's Word, there are recordings of callers who have called in recently to lift up a prayer, give inspiration, encouragement, etc. Every now and then I'll hear a caller say that this world sucks and that he or she cannot wait until Jesus comes to save us.

      Daily Audio Bible isn't the only place I hear that. I've heard it about various topics. One Christian perspective on climate change that I've heard is that it's a sign that the world is ending because God wants it so. As in this climate change is God taking charge and destroying the world slowly. I mean, I won't even go down the rabbit hole of the fact that Earth is a great gift God made for us and that I think He wants us to keep it clean. And that scientific evidence shows that climate change, although always has been a thing, is speeding up and going out of whack because of what mankind has done. So, that'll be for another post.

      But the point is is that now we just wait. We just wait for Jesus to come save us.

     What if I was to tell you that He is here. He always has been. I mean, yes, I cannot even imagine the Glory that will take place when Jesus comes again. It will be beautiful and glorious and awesome. But, is life really just supposed to be about waiting? I mean, don't we have a life that God gave us for a reason?

      I'm not saying that there aren't things on this earth that are horrible. All the time, I am hearing something about a new horrific thing happening around the world. However, there are also so many wonderous, great, loving, awesome things that are happening. Even those small little awesomes that only happen between you and a friend.

      And I totally think waiting to hear God's voice and taking time to understand the next step in your journey is so valid and, at least in my journey, I've found, necessary.

      However, a whole life dedicated to "this world is horrible. I'll just wait until Jesus comes again" is a waste.

      The disciples thought Jesus would come back within their lifetime. Yes, they waited for Him. What they also did was spread His glory and grace and love. Through speaking of The Word, helping the world better understand Jesus' mission, and doing it all in the act of His love.

      So, the waiting game can definitely be played, but a whole life of doing nothing but waiting might be contradicting what Jesus said about loving wholly. It's hard to love when you're sitting bruiting about the world around you without doing much to change it.

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."  --John 3:16  

Woo!

 Mary Taylor

Judas, Judah-ahs.

      So, I've been doing a lot of research on Jesus Christ Superstar lately and any controversy attached to it. Like the whole thing where some churches thinks it sympathizes with Judas too much and stuff. Growing up in the church, Judas has always seemed like the bad guy. Like the devil in the Jesus version of God vs. The Devil (only different but also the same because Jesus is God... But yeah). Judas did the unforgivable, unfathomable, inconceivable thing and betrayed Him. I mean, who does that!? And then he just hangs himself? I mean, come on! How awful.

      But I gotta say, I think we might be missing the big thing here. Imagine that! The world that missed the big picture that Jesus was preaching about, still might be missing the bigger picture.

      Before I go on, if you've read my Lenten Promise Blog last year, you know that I wrote about Judas in a similar context. I just really am intrigued by Judas. If Jesus loved him enough to be best buds and trust him with any and all things the 12 did, I think he can't be an awful guy. I'll explain.

      Jesus, on the cross, says "forgive them for they know not what they do" (Luke 23:34). Later, He says "It is finished." As in striking someone because of sin. As in the whole pay-lots-of-money-to-have-the-high-priests-burn-animals-for-you-sins-to-be-forgiven thing is done. As in just because you sin, does not make you horrible in God's eyes. As in all punishment on this earth for sin is done.

      Why, then, for 2,000 years, has Judas been the exception to that forgiveness? Why has the church come to love all....but Judas? If Jesus, the man Judas actually betrayed, can forgive him (and all of us), why can't we?

      Yes, Jesus is our savior. Jesus is the holiest of holy, the King of Kings, and absolutely is betraying Him horrible. But do we really think Judas is unforgivable? If we blame Judas for Jesus' crucifixion (an awful, horrible, just-about-the-worst-legal-punishment-used-by-a-government), should we bless God even more for turning an awful, horrible, tragic event and turning it into 2,000 years of beauty? I have to say, though I mourn the death of our Christ, His resurrection renews a sense of absolute hope and love and excitement. Which God has turned the tragic event into. To show that death is, indeed, not the last thing. Should we not rejoice completely in the glory of a God that can turn That into something so profoundly beautiful?

      Not to mention that Judas was a human conflicted profoundly by the law and the man who is God. But that's another story for another time.

      And what does Jesus say about our enemies, if we are to continue to look at Judas as the enemy? That we must love our enemy. Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespassed against us. 

      Judas might (maybe, still not totally convinced) be the villain in Jesus' story. But if Jesus can forgive that, should not the church do the same? Shouldn't the church focus on the amazing power God has to make beauty out of tragedy?

      My opinion: absolutely.

      "Then after he had taken the morsel, Satan entered into him. Jesus said to him, 'What you are going to do, do quickly.'”   --John 13:27


 Love always,
Mary Taylor

 

I Dunno

      The one thing I love about religion: it's one thing that is so much bigger than self, that it's actually okay if you don't understand. Over the years, I've tried to wrap my head around so much of the religion I practice. And Just when I think I get it, someone or something throws a huge wrench in it. Then the rest of the toolbox so that is seems I've lost my original thought altogether. But, it's okay. Because there is, it seems to me, always some part of it that is beyond my understanding.

For instance:

      God made man in His vision. So, God looks like humans. But, really, is that so? What is God? Is He a being? Or an orb of light? Or some kind of substance not known to man.

      Also, how did He make us? And how does He know our path? And why give us free will? I mean, I'm grateful, but why give it to us?

      Another thing. Is Hell actually real? Is Purgatory? Is Heaven? How do we live beyond this life?

      How do I know it's all real?

I don't.

      Which is really cool. Right? I mean, having total faith in something, however scary and stressful, and can lead to nights staying awake all night pondering big, huge questions, is exciting. And gives me life and meaning. And love and passion. And every single thing in between.

      For me, not knowing the answers is both a relief and stressful at the same time. However, it is also okay to me. I'm cool with not knowing wholly. Will I still try to seek the answers? Of course! I'm like a child looking for where their parents hide the Christmas presents before Christmas. Will I find all of the answers? Probably not totally. But that's the glory of it. It's a gift all its own.


May we never stop seeking further knowledge and never stop asking questions. May the journey lead us to wonderment beyond the imagination and discoveries worth exploring. May God guide us through the path.

Woo!
Mary Taylor

Silence is Golden. But Duct Tape is Silver.

       You know how the other day, I wrote a post about nothing because I had no ideas?


      Well, today, I started (and almost finished) like 5 blog posts. All brimming with the ideas floating in my head. But there are like so many that I can't put all of my energy into one. So, perhaps another vague blog post?

      Lately, I've noticed the lack of silence in my life. I hear all of my mentors (school, home, spiritual, etc.) talk about the importance of silence in my life. I mean, if there is a moment of stillness or silence, I look for my phone and say "man, I'm bored." But really, I'm not. My mind is racing through ideas and memories. Why don't I allow myself that time to sit with my thoughts and meditate on them?

      In a technique of meditating that promotes self-worth and goal-orientation (if that's a word...), one has to visualize oneself totally, with details, for 15 minutes a day. 15 minutes? Psh, I can do that. Well, I tried and it turns out, it's really hard to find a moment of silence and stillness for a straight 15 minutes in a day.

      If I can't spend 15 minutes with myself, wholly myself and present, then ow can I expect to have a growing relationship with God? I'm not saying, in any way, that being busy is not a valid reason for anything. Life can be so, so, so busy! But, I'd say that those busiest times is when we need ourselves and God even more than ever. As painful and torturous as taking a whole 15 minutes to meditate, or journal, or stare at the ceiling, or pray, or whatever might be, it's worth it to allow some perspective. To allow us to center ourselves. To contemplate. To grow closer to God and understand self better.

      So, my goal for this next week (week we go back to school from Spring Break), to spend at least 15 minutes in silence. No, not sleeping or napping (which is what a lot of my free time looks like), silence. What that looks like is to be determined, but in order to fully develop anything, I think I'll need that silence.

      Here's to goals within the fasting season of Lent! Woo!

"Even a fool, when he keeps silent, is considered wise; When he closes his lips, he is considered prudent." -- Proverbs 17:28

Even a fool, when he keeps silent, is considered wise; When he closes his lips, he is considered prudent. - See more at: http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Silence#sthash.2CPVp99I.dpuf

Even a fool, when he keeps silent, is considered wise; When he closes his lips, he is considered prudent. - See more at: http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Silence#sthash.2CPVp99I.dpuf

Even a fool, when he keeps silent, is considered wise; When he closes his lips, he is considered prudent. - See more at: http://bible.knowing-jesus.com/topics/Silence#sthash.2CPVp99I.dpuf

Woo!
Mary Taylor

Did You Hear Something?

      Pilate is kind of a mean guy. And when I say "kind of a mean guy," what I mean to say is this guy was a total meanie. To put it lightly. Like really lightly. He never blinked twice when sentencing someone to death (as I read in the book Zealot: Life and Times of Jesus of Nazareth). However, in Luke 23, Pilate goes on about how he doesn't see how Jesus could be a bad guy. The author of Zealot argues that this probably didn't happen because of how used he was to sentencing "messiahs" to death. He wouldn't have gotten too torn up about it. And though I see where that can be true, I wonder if God's power is so strong that He can make a man who doesn't believe in any of this messiah business and sentences pretty much anyone to death that is brought forth, believe that this case is different.

      All my life, I have been trying and trying and trying and trying to lose weight. I'll do a good thing for a couple of months, drop a few pounds, and go back to my old ways. Over the years, my parents have heard "I think I'm going to try losing weight," or "I think I need to change up my eating habits," or "I'm going to start exercising" probably a total of 80,000 times over my 22 years of existence. The kick I'm in now has been going strong for 165 days (and counting). So, what makes this one different? What made me really go through with this with as much consistency (even if it's not exactly totally consistent, but more than it was in the past)?

      When God speaks loud enough, anyone can hear Him. When I was reaching my heaviest and unhealthiest me, God screamed from the Heavens for me. *Cut to God's face, Him yelling "Mary! Put down the chips! Watch the Apple Fitness Commercial and start exercising!" Quick take to me, looking out, dropping the handful of chips I was about to shove in my face, and finding a fitness app. And then randomly exercising in the toy room.*

      When Jesus, God's perfect son, God's true gift to mankind, God in human form, was about to be put to death via crucifixion, I cannot imagine a God that was not angry/sad/frustrated, screaming from the Heavens. Yes, Jesus' death is prophesied, but in that moment between Pilate asking why Jesus deserved it and sentencing him to die on the cross, I can't help but think that Pilate's hesitation is that of a man questioning. A man who is so used to killing, questioning the right and wrong in this situation.

      So, my question. Did Pilate hear God in those moments? However, being a man who does not stoop so low as to look at messiahs and believe what these citizens believe, not knowing what was happening? Was Pilate hearing God share the importance of this man's life?

      Yes, Pilate was a man who killed many without remorse. And whether or not Jesus went without Pilate's remorse is not totally known. Yes, it makes sense that Pilate wouldn't think twice before sentencing Jesus. Still on the yes train, The Bible isn't to be taken as fact but truths. So, maybe Pilate didn't think twice. Or maybe even Pilate can hear the tiny pin-drop-in-the-gut feeling when God yells form the Heavens.

      "Then the whole assembly rose and led him off to Pilate. ² And they began to accuse him, saying, “We have found this man subverting our nation. He opposes payment of taxes to Caesar and claims to be Messiah, a king.”
³ So Pilate asked Jesus, “Are you the king of the Jews?”
“You have said so,” Jesus replied.
⁴ Then Pilate announced to the chief priests and the crowd, “I find no basis for a charge against this man.”
⁵ But they insisted, “He stirs up the people all over Judea by his teaching. He started in Galilee and has come all the way here.”
⁶ On hearing this, Pilate asked if the man was a Galilean. ⁷ When he learned that Jesus was under Herod’s jurisdiction, he sent him to Herod, who was also in Jerusalem at that time.
⁸ When Herod saw Jesus, he was greatly pleased, because for a long time he had been wanting to see him. From what he had heard about him, he hoped to see him perform a sign of some sort. ⁹ He plied him with many questions, but Jesus gave him no answer. ¹⁰ The chief priests and the teachers of the law were standing there, vehemently accusing him. ¹¹ Then Herod and his soldiers ridiculed and mocked him. Dressing him in an elegant robe, they sent him back to Pilate. ¹² That day Herod and Pilate became friends—before this they had been enemies.
¹³ Pilate called together the chief priests, the rulers and the people, ¹⁴ and said to them, “You brought me this man as one who was inciting the people to rebellion. I have examined him in your presence and have found no basis for your charges against him. ¹⁵ Neither has Herod, for he sent him back to us; as you can see, he has done nothing to deserve death. ¹⁶ Therefore, I will punish him and then release him.” ^[17] [a]
18 But the whole crowd shouted, “Away with this man! Release Barabbas to us!” ¹⁹ (Barabbas had been thrown into prison for an insurrection in the city, and for murder.)
²⁰ Wanting to release Jesus, Pilate appealed to them again. ²¹ But they kept shouting, “Crucify him! Crucify him!”
²² For the third time he spoke to them: “Why? What crime has this man committed? I have found in him no grounds for the death penalty. Therefore I will have him punished and then release him.”
²³ But with loud shouts they insistently demanded that he be crucified, and their shouts prevailed. ²⁴ So Pilate decided to grant their demand. ²⁵ He released the man who had been thrown into prison for insurrection and murder, the one they asked for, and surrendered Jesus to their will."

--Luke 23:1-25
  


- Mary Taylor 

The important of silence and contemplation...

No Clue

      There's plenty to talk about. Like P-L-E-N-T-Y! However, I've been sitting here for the better part of 20 minutes thinking of what to write about. My mind has been racing all day, so many thoughts about so many things. Yet, the ideas for today's blog post was at a big goose egg level. And not the cool ones you get on your head after the basketball rack lid is slammed on your forehead. This goose egg doesn't leave an awesome, huge, lumpy bump on your head to remind people of how hard core you are. This goose egg leaves behind a blog post with little substance.

      This happened around this time last year too.

      One of my acting professors at school says that too much screen time (whether that is on your phone, watching television, etc.) instead of living wholly in the present can cause a lull in imagination. And I agree. To be fair, I did spend the better part of the day either driving around, exploring The Vanity Theater, watching The People's Court with my grandfather (not my first choice, but certainly an interesting one), and watching videos on my phone.

      So, as I write this, I just see my acting teacher sitting, saying "Mary, you time doesn't mean screen time."

      However, another acting professor of mine loves when people are speechless. When jumbling happens, you know something is getting the "light bulb" status somewhere, the words just can't describe it.

      Whatever the diagnosis for my substance-less post today, I look back on this past year (as in from Lent 2014 to now), and I cannot believe how much of my life has changed. In some ways, out of my control. But other are forces I have started. And I am proud and honored and excited to continue. To see where I will be tomorrow. Then next week. Then next month! We never stop growing, really. So, I'm very excited!

Woo!
Mary Taylor