Growing up in Indiana, there are few things worse than selfishness. Sometimes as far as not saying a simple "thank you" after compliments. We don't accept gifts compliments, or pretty much anything positive that happens very well. Or at least in our family (and, like, most of the parents we babysit for). It's a very cool thing about the Midwest, because we're almost automatically polite. But, it can also be problematic because of many obvious reasons (like how annoying it is when people don't say a simple "thank you" after a compliment. But, who's keeping track.... right?).
Through the time of me being in college, I've started thinking about the ways this Midwest tradition has affected me and other people (mainly women) in my life. Positively and negatively. And all of those way in which we cower when someone compliments, or never put our needs first, or even second, etc. I've tried to kind of blend that world with more of an attitude of "I have to love myself first before I can love anyone else." And I'm learning new things everyday with that.
However, one aspect that I feel is constantly in flux with that train of thought is my relationship with God.
I've mentioned countless times how much I am an optimistic person. Some would say almost too optimistic (I don't say that, other, pessimistic humans. There's never too much optimism in my world). But, of course, with everything else, there come waves of doubt or questioning. In those times, it feels like I can't get out of this rut. And I don't see it as a season of questioning. I see it as a weird dark, looming thing. But, it totally isn't. I just don't see it until the season's passed.
Lately, I've been questioning. Questions like "how can I be the best me, in God's eyes?" "How can I shift anything in the world?" "Are my prayers even worthy prayers?" Stuff like that.
Especially getting ready to start this transition from school-to-real-life. I hear a lot about the impending doom, or how I should or should not worry.
In fact, I feel like, no matter where we are in life, we all hear about that. The "impending doom" of whatever task you're about to complete, or start, or think about. Whether from yourself or others around you. You hear about it. It's an inevitable fact of human life: we have opinions about what each other is doing. Wanted or not.
Anyway, I hear a lot about the real world struggles, plus crazy stuff happening in the world. And I've just been thinking, like-- what am I even doing? You know?
Which is pretty dark for an optimistic.
To be clear, I'm not, like "ugh, what am I even doing on this earth! I'm awful."
I've just been in a season of questioning and reflection.
A writer who normally has tons of stuff and love to talk about is speechless. And I don't know what to attribute it to. Could it be my lack of silence in the world? My lack of selfishness? My lack of selflessness?
I'm not sure.
But from silence comes abundance. So, I have no clue what this season of relfection and Lent will bring me. But I can already tell: it's a Lent that is vastly different than any other I've experienced.
I could just be putting necessary stuff on it, but that way I'm ready (well.... like, expecting. Well... I don't know.. a less-strong synonym) for whatever happens. But, I think I need to start taking my journey with God and know that it is my journey. My own.
I'll figure it out. Or maybe not. We'll see.
Through the time of me being in college, I've started thinking about the ways this Midwest tradition has affected me and other people (mainly women) in my life. Positively and negatively. And all of those way in which we cower when someone compliments, or never put our needs first, or even second, etc. I've tried to kind of blend that world with more of an attitude of "I have to love myself first before I can love anyone else." And I'm learning new things everyday with that.
However, one aspect that I feel is constantly in flux with that train of thought is my relationship with God.
I've mentioned countless times how much I am an optimistic person. Some would say almost too optimistic (I don't say that, other, pessimistic humans. There's never too much optimism in my world). But, of course, with everything else, there come waves of doubt or questioning. In those times, it feels like I can't get out of this rut. And I don't see it as a season of questioning. I see it as a weird dark, looming thing. But, it totally isn't. I just don't see it until the season's passed.
Lately, I've been questioning. Questions like "how can I be the best me, in God's eyes?" "How can I shift anything in the world?" "Are my prayers even worthy prayers?" Stuff like that.
Especially getting ready to start this transition from school-to-real-life. I hear a lot about the impending doom, or how I should or should not worry.
In fact, I feel like, no matter where we are in life, we all hear about that. The "impending doom" of whatever task you're about to complete, or start, or think about. Whether from yourself or others around you. You hear about it. It's an inevitable fact of human life: we have opinions about what each other is doing. Wanted or not.
Anyway, I hear a lot about the real world struggles, plus crazy stuff happening in the world. And I've just been thinking, like-- what am I even doing? You know?
Which is pretty dark for an optimistic.
To be clear, I'm not, like "ugh, what am I even doing on this earth! I'm awful."
I've just been in a season of questioning and reflection.
A writer who normally has tons of stuff and love to talk about is speechless. And I don't know what to attribute it to. Could it be my lack of silence in the world? My lack of selfishness? My lack of selflessness?
I'm not sure.
But from silence comes abundance. So, I have no clue what this season of relfection and Lent will bring me. But I can already tell: it's a Lent that is vastly different than any other I've experienced.
I could just be putting necessary stuff on it, but that way I'm ready (well.... like, expecting. Well... I don't know.. a less-strong synonym) for whatever happens. But, I think I need to start taking my journey with God and know that it is my journey. My own.
I'll figure it out. Or maybe not. We'll see.
"It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord."
--Lamentation 3:26
Woo!
Mary Taylor
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